splinters make it hard to masturbate
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
