You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
