I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize