I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
