I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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