He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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