I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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