I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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