Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
