1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
