HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
