Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
