I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
