Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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