Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
