dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
