Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
