i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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