We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
