She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize