I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
