You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
