she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
