too bad you live with your parents still
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
