She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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