Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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