things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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