Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
