pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
