when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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