I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
