Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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