Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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