Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
