Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
