My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
