Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
