I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
