did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
