Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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