My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
