fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
