i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
