I feel great
I just peed on a car
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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