she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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