Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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