can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
