My sheets look like a crime scene.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
