you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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