The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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