when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize