Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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