I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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