i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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