Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
