I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
