I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
