guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize