the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
