i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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