So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
worst night to have a conscience
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
