If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
