True but thats because hes a fetus.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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